And some days...
...it's. just. hard. All the things catch up to you at once and your brain is heavy with too many thoughts.
And you struggle with what feels like one of those revolving doors someone has sneakily installed in your mind. And you're no longer the director of your day; you're a backseat observer watching timidly, wondering what the next moment will hold and if you're going to be able to keep it together.
You're not feeling sorry for yourself really. You're not even thinking about yourself at all. You're thinking about all of the favors you've had to ask for. All of the people you have let down lately. Or you think you've let down. Or you may have let down. You don't know... You're thinking of how many more favors you're going to have to ask for still. And how much more work is ahead of you until you can have even a tiny semblance of normal again. You're worried about your husband, and your friends, and your family. Because most of the time, you have way more strength than you do right now to be able to fill them with positive energy. And make them smile. And help them through things. But right now, it's hard to put pants on. And that pisses you off.
Some days, you're sick of being positive.
Sick of it.
You're sick of trying to sound happy when you answer questions and smile when you explain again that it's "just this many more weeks until...". Because you don't want that person to feel bad for asking - they're just trying to be nice. And everyone has been so nice.
But it's exhausting. And you're exhausted. And there's probably (maybe?) no real physical reason you feel completely tapped out anymore. But the compulsion of your body wanting to only crawl back into bed is no less real. It's a siren's call.
So you cancel more things. And ask for more favors. And wonder when you'll ever be able to repay them all...
You're angry because you're not practicing what you're preaching.
You're upset because you know, as you're sitting, watching, in that backseat of your mind, that even these shit emotions you're having are just one more step of the process. But it doesn't make them any easier. And they certainly don't disappear just because you've called them out. You're sad because you feel alone because you feel you can't share. Although you know it's not weak to feel this way, that it's normal, and it's okay, and it will pass...it's just.........
I think it's just that you don't want to disappoint anyone. You don't want them to feel bad. You don't want to burden them. When they ask you how you're doing today, it's so much easier to just say, "pretty good today!"..... than to lay your rawness at their feet and watch their eyes go a little scared because they don't know what to do with it. And now you both feel awkward.
So you'd rather just keep smiling. Even though you'd rather not keep smiling.
I'm fine. This isn't an invitation to a pity party. I do truly know how many things I have to be positive about. And I know, like I said, that this is just part of the process. Mentally, emotionally. I'm telling you - injury & recovery sucks. It's a f#*%ing head game. Anyway, I know it will pass. I know all this.
However, I claimed to want to share the story of my injury and recovery because I truly do think (if anyone reads this blog) that it might help someone someday. So with how I've felt the last two days, it would be a lie, and I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't share this part of things as well. So there it is.
Thank you to everyone for your continued support. I love you all. I must be doing something right to have so many wonderful people in my life. <3